I just sent out my yearly emails to the teachers. I give them a heads up about Noah. I also let them know I am here to support them in any way they need it. Sometimes I hear back from the teachers. Other times, I don’t hear a word.
I am just curious do any other parents of special needs students do this too?
Last night the family went to the weekly session. We started working on the social deficit component in our son. Through our discussion the therapist presented our son with his perspective. The therapist told our son that he has a blind spot when it comes to connecting socially. In addition because it is a blind spot, requires more effort on our son’s part, that our son doesn’t want to put in that effort because it can be difficult. After our son hemmed, hawed and rebutted, at the end of the session our son finally admitted, the real reason he hasn’t reached out to make friends is he is lazy and it takes work to make new friends.
So, why am I happy about this realization for my son? I am happy because the light is on and now the work can truly begin. He may not be open to all our ideas but we can always bring him back to his words, “I am lazy…” Because these words are his way of realizing his blind spot and needs help!
I will keep you all posted!
What luck we have to find this amazing therapist! He is loaded with great and helpful ideas to help our son move forward in his development. The challenge with these new ideas is they need to be rolled out slowly over time. The therapist suggest that we roll out a new expectation each month while continuing with the latest expectations.
So last month our new expectation is that our son reached out to a friend for a social hangout. While the social component continues, we are adding a physical component to his routine this month. We are giving him a choice (sort of) he can choose to run, hike, or walk at least two or three times a week for a minimum for 20 minutes.
Yesterday was the first day of implementing the physical part. How did that work out for our son? Not well in the beginning! He did not want to do any of it at all! I had to stand firm and remind him that not choosing is not a choice. So, we live in an area of hills, so I took him to the top. I pulled the car over and told him to get out of the car and walk home. He was so angry that he said,”Be prepared for me never to talk to you again.” Well,that didn’t last long.
In conjunction with rolling out new expectations, the therapist wants to make sure our son is making a connection to us via projects and not entertainment. The idea is not to just watch to a movie and think that he is connecting. The idea to work together on project type activities that will illicit conversation and team work. I try to have our son help in the kitchen. He is a little foodie and loves to eat good food. The part is do able. The addition to that is to check-in with our son and see if he is connecting to us. Well, this is going to take work put it that way:(. But Rome was not built in a day. When we say, “Hey, I love cooking with you.” His reply,”I love our dog.” Like I said Rome wasn’t built in a day.
The most important part for us as parents is to continue to push him forward in order for him to have a full and prosperous life in the future. In addition, it is important for us as parents to stand firm when he tries to push back.
Our dog…
Well my son experienced a pretty low-key but fun spring break. We have been seeing a new child therapist. The therapist was really alarmed by the fact that my son has decided to become a hermit. The therapist said that we need to have him reconnect with friends because he has a deficit when dealing with people socially. So, we lit a figurative match under our son’s bum to reach out to old friends and plan activities. He didn’t see friends everyday. It was more like every other day. What was the most fun for our son was when my husband took our son and a few boys to Magic Mountain for the afternoon too. All the boys had a blast!!!!!
The important part is that we gently encouraged our son to reach out and be social. Each time he always came home with a smile and enjoyed reconnecting with friends. Once he was in the car and relaxed, I asked him how it felt to reach out and hang out with his old pals. He said, “It really felt good and wasn’t as scary as I thought”. The lesson for us as parents, we need to keep the low-burning figurative fire under his bum so that he won’t return to being a hermit.
With this break and a few friendly get togethers, our son still scheduled in his math homework, violin and bass guitar practice on sometimes on his own. Boy when aspie’s relax, the light really shines around them and the handsome smile returns. :). Love my son a ton!!!!!
You know, your brain can only handle so much stress. Some of the issues we have had with our son are too personal to share. They have been issues of his vision of his life, the feature and things I don’t even think I worried about as a kid. This has been way too much for my brain to absorb. I needed to process everything he said to us.
As I write this blog, I find my self looking at old pictures and reminisce back to when he was three years old with a wide eyed smile. There was such a light around him when he was younger. The light is still there, but under his stress on life and school, it has dimmed. I know these issues are normal for a teen. My brain understands this part, but my heart aches watching him meander his way through the challenges of life. After all, I am a mama bear!
Now we remember when our parents put their foot in their mouths. Do you remember when you walked away feeling stupid for being so open with your parents? I do! I remember saying, “I’ll never tell them anything again.” I really didn’t share much after feeling humiliated. Some parents first reaction and mistake, when the child shares something deeply personal would be to say, “How would you know?” or “You are too young” “You cant tell what the feature will bring”. Basically, dismissing the child’s feelings and fears.
I am trying not to be that parent. The best thing for a parent to do is to figuratively bite your tongue. This is not always possible. After all, I am an Italian jew with a short fuse, which I have learned to control over time. Moreover, I am NOT perfect.
After you bite your tongue, tell your child you love them and let the situation rest until your child is ready to talk some more and you are ready to actively listen. That is listen with out projecting your thoughts or your fears. Remember, it is not about you. It is about them.
So, you are probably asking yourself, “How did she do?” Well, I did okay, like I said, I am not perfect. My problem was that I wanted to have a discussion, a two way dialogue about what my son told me. See that was the mistake. He didn’t want a conversation. He just wanted me to hear his thoughts. I wasn’t supposed to ask questions are seem interested in his ideas. So, note to self, next time, just say, “I hear you” and move on.
Thanks for reading:).
I’ll post again soon.
Starting high school can be terrifying for anyone. Now add an Aspergers teen with anxiety to the mix and terrified doesn’t begin to address the fears.
Nolan just finished his third week at his new high school. He is really enjoying it. The RSP teacher provides Nolan with support and sets his expectations high. Nolan has risen to the challenge. Nolan is remembering to fill in the agenda book and remembering to get it signed by his teachers each period. In addition, Nolan is learning to communicate directly with his teachers via email and in person. He really doesn’t want us, his parents, to interfere. So, the deal was if Nolan took care of all his issues himself, then we wouldn’t interfere.
Even though we have had a great three weeks, we had 2 hiccups. The first issue was that Nolan made a joke in class. The student told the teacher. The teacher emailed me and the RSP teacher. I spoke with Nolan about it. I replied to all parties and told them Nolan will explain that what he said wash joke. The RSP teacher replied,”Nolan is a great kid. It is had in a new school environment. He is doing very well with everything.”. My jaw dropped. I realized at that moment, I had been holding my breath. Why? Usually I get the email, Nolan isn’t allowed to joke like that. Next time he will be suspended or in detention.
The other issue was the lunch line. I had placed money in Nolan’s menu pay plus account. It was the end of the week, I went on line to add more money when I realized the account still had all the money I deposited on the first day. I thought that was strange!!!!! Everyday, I would ask Nolan to tell three good things about his day. One of the things he would tell me was about lunch. He described this yummy roasted chicken he had one day. I thought it was bizarre!!!! So, I emailed the cafeteria worker at the school. She said the pin number was never used but I did have the correct information for Nolan. At the end of the day, I picked up Nolan. I asked him about his day. I asked him about lunch. I told him about the pin number not being used. He finally came clean. He wasn’t eating lunch because the line was too long. He didn’t want to wait in line and he didn’t want to tell me because I would worry. I explained the importance of the body needing to refuel during the day so he would be ready for the rest of his classes.
So, for all the people who don’t understand why we parents need to put our spectrum kids to the front of the line, this is an excellent example.
Well, I am back to packing lunches now in order to ensure that he will eat something.
Nolan loves his high school. He started choir on Thursday, went to his first football game and is learning to make friends. So far he is very happy!!!!
Today I read an article on the Back to School Do’s and Don’ts written by By Jerry Bubrick,PhD. He is the Senior Director, Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center; Director, Intensive Pediatric Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorders Program.
Here are some of his suggestions from the article.
Get back into a routine. Change your child’s bedtime from 11 pm to 9 pm. Start waking up your child at school hours. Once they are awake, have your child complete the normal school routine: shower, dress, and eat breakfast. At night, the author suggests limit screen time. All screens should be off one hour before bed time. In addition, Dr. Bubrick states parents should Shop for school supplies earlier rather than later.
The most important part of the day is to make sure your child fuels their body. Dr. Bubrick says we should be more aware of meals. Why is this important? Dr. Bubrick gave an excellent example. If your child ate at 1pm and doesn’t get home until 5pm, then he/she maybe ravenous and unable to focus on homework. In order to focus, your child will need a healthy snack and then after about an hour your child will be better able to focus on homework.
When asking about your child’s day, Instead of asking “Did you make any friends?” (this may cause embarrassment to your child), Ask “How was your day?” Or
“Tell me three things you liked about today”- I like this last comment. it allows for more conversation to happen. In the question, “How was your day?”, if your child is like mine, you will get the answer, “Fine” then the child will walk away. When you ask for three good things, there are always leading comments to make after you listen first to what your child has to say. You could follow with, “What made this good for you?”
Dr. Jerry Bubrick suggests doing a trial run in order to get off to the right start.
He feels, especially for the child who is very anxious, take a drive by the school, walk into the building and allow the child to become acquainted with the smells and sounds. In addition, map out the classes and know where the locker is located.
As a parent, he suggests not to be afraid of set backs.
He feels parents and the child need to “Temper your expectations.” The expectation of the first days being stellar is not realistic. It is important to let kids ease into it and have ups and downs.Remember as a parent, every two steps forward there is one step back.
As parents, it is important to help kids manage their commitments.
Usually the first week of work is slow. So it is easy to take on new commitments.However, Dr. Bubrick suggests to wait until mid October before signing up for new activities. This way you have enough time for adjusting the schedules
Furthermore, it is important for the kids to balance their lives so that they are not coming home at 9pm and then starting homework and then off to bed at 11pm.
Dr. Bubrick believes this leads to depression. He feels children over commit themselves with activities. It is our job as their parents to show them how to balance.
One of the most important things to remember is that you are your child’s best advocate. If you see a problem but the school hasn’t contacted you, you contact them.
I tried to properly link the article. I had a difficult time. If you copy and paste this link, it should take you to the original article. http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2011-8-24-back-school-best-results
Well Nolan had his first day as a high school student. Now, I understand that it is just orientation but I was excited for him. He found a familiar face and off he went with a smile on his face. I was less excited realizing that I am the mother of a high school student.
Stay tuned for new posts during the year. I also have a new book I am reading too. The book is called Look Me in The Eye by John Elder Robison. It might take me a while to finish but I will share some interesting tidbits as I read.
Wow, I love what this cooking camp, Kitchen Kid, has instilled in my son. In one weeks time, he has been inspired to hop into the kitchen to cook and bake. Last week he made Vanilla Pudding. It was so creamy smooth. He did everything himself accept separate the eggs. Separating eggs is very tricky. Here is a picture of his pudding
From there, he began making his own breakfast. The breakfast mostly consisted of scrambled eggs. However, just the other night, his friends slept over and all three boys worked feverishly on dessert. It was a molten chocolate lava cake. It was delicious. Here is their photo.
This cake took many steps. First the boys had to melt the two kinds of chocolate and butter in a water bath. Then, the boys had to crack and beat the eggs and sugar. Then the boys needed to temper the eggs before pouring all the eggs into the butter and chocolate mixture. In addition, the boys had to butter and flour all the ramekins as well as preheat the oven.
It was so much fun to watch the boys put this altogether. Once the cake finished baking we ate it immediately. It tasted amazing. The boys were so proud of themselves. Nico was so excited in the kitchen he couldn’t stop singing in his operatic voice. It was crazy fun. The most important thing is the boys had to stop using electronics for at least 45 minutes during the prep period.
So, it is okay to gently push your child into making a choice otherwise the child won’t learn what interests him/her. If my husband and I not made Nolan choose a camp, he would have wanted to sit in his room all day. This would not have been acceptable to me or his dad. Yes, summer is for relaxing but it is also for exploring new interests.
Last week, on 4th of July, my husband and I decided to run in the local race in our community. After the race we showered and flopped down on the bed. We checked in on Nicolas, he was fine playing his Gameboy 3D, so we took a nap. Before taking this nap we explained clearly several times that we were leaving at 5:30 to head down to the football stadium for the concert and firework show. We even explained to him that the Gameboy was going to stay home. He seemed to understand. Seemed is the best word to describe it!
About 30 minutes before we needed to leave, we gave our warning and reminder to Nolan that it was time to go to the field. We told him the time we needed to leave. He said, “okay, got it!” Upon leaving, Nolan becomes flustered. He said, “you never said anything about leaving and going to fireworks!” And the drama begins.
We reminded him that we did tell him however, he probably didn’t listen carefully. After several minutes of “you didn’t tell me!” and our response of “yes we did, you didn’t hear us”, we finally jumped in the car and headed down. I noticed the Gameboy in the car. I told Nicolas this was family time and the Gameboy needs to stay in the car. He seemed okay with the idea of leaving the Gameboy in the car.
Once at the football field, we sat down on the 30 yard line. We had a great view of the stage for the concert. My husband and I were so excited. The English Beat played. It brought us back to our high school days of social awkwardness and ska music. Anyway, the band wasn’t going to be on for another hour. So we sat, relaxed and waited. However, Nolan couldn’t get his mind off that G in the car. The tantrum had started.
He began screaming, “you call this family time? we aren’t even talking. We are just sitting here. Why can’t I have my Gameboy? There is nothing to do.” Our response was simple “we are spending time together. If you want to walk around and look for friends from school, go walk around. However, the Gameboy stays in the car.” The evening escalated to the point where he was scratching at the Astroturf trying to dig a hole. Good luck with that!
My husband and I decided that he really wanted negative attention. We were not going to engage. We made a decision and we were sticking to it. Finally the band came on and David and I hit the dance floor like it was the 1980’s. We were not going to let Nolan’s teenage tantrum ruin our night.
This entire scenario was really our fault. We have indulged Nolan with this Gameboy 3D since he was younger. We knew that anytime he was bored all we had to do is whip out this contraption and presto Nolan would no longer be bored. Hind sight being 20/20, I realize this was not the best solution. So, what are we doing about this situation now? Well since the teenage tantrum, we have removed all computer appliances. They are being kept in a secret location to protect the innocent. When Nolan earns his game time, he only gets one hour per day during the summer. He can even earn bonus time of another 30 minutes if he visits with guests or is helpful around the house.
It really is perfectly fine for children to be bored. This is when they must learn to converse, create, and learn patients. If they aren’t bored from time to time, than children might grow up to be adults who think there is always instant gratification and he/she must be fully entertained at all times of the day. This is not the reality. For our house, we have put the brakes on these electronics. We have begun using the public libraries and neighborhood pools and beaches more. We have required Nicolas to pick camps for the summer so he isn’t sitting at home all day.
aspieteenz- Now Aspie Adulthood 