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Kill Them with Kindness Right?

My son failed his math test. According to the IEP, he is allowed to retake the test. However, what the RSP teachers don’t explain is that the child is supposed to request it. Okay, I understand wanting students to learn to advocate for themselves. I appreciate teaching this life skill. However, tell the parents of these spectacular children. It is part of my duty as a parent to support my child and explain to him this new process at his new school.

So, my son finally asks to take the test again. The RSP teacher said,”ok”. So, one week goes by and no retake. My husband and I email the teacher and no response. It has been over two weeks.

Finally today, I sent an email that was kind but firm. The email said. “I know it is a busy time, however we haven’t heard from you. We would like to know what is happening.” I think that is much better than what I really wanted to say.
Even though there is this one issue, these teachers are amazing. My son has made tremendous growth towards independence. I am so thankful to have them in his corner. Because I was gentle in my tone, I am sure this will remedy itself quickly.

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And People Say Teenage Girls are More Dramatic

Teenagers emotions consist of dramatic ups and downs. Their hormone levels are increasing at such a rate their bodies and minds go bizerk. Nolan is no different, I am happy to say, than a regular teenage boy. Some days are good, some are great and some suck the big banana. However, when Nolan has an emotionally stressed day, the regular old teenager colides with the aspergers and creates such an eruption of emotions. He starts by telling us “You never listen to me.” Or he will say “Let me speak!!!!!!” and follow with some colorful language. Once we give him the platform he goes from explaining, to realizing his mistake, then follows with self inflicted verbal abuse. This is difficult to listen to and watch. He can go from enraged to crying like a young child in seconds.
So, how do we handle allowing Nolan to release his frustrations safely? Well to be honest, somedays are better than others. The best way is to have you and your partner work as a team. Being on the same page is crucial in situations like this.
For Nolan, I decided to give him a journal. I gave him this journal for two reasons. One reason was to write down all his feelings, thoughts and even the colorful language he throws our way from time to time. The second reason is to write his wonderful and imaginative stories, poems and lyrics that he shares with us. I told him this is his safe place to write. I promised him I would not read it.
My hope is that he will use it.

This situation that my child is experiencing lead me on a quest for some answers to the following question: Is this a normal teenage experience and is there a higher rate in hormone levels for aspie boys?

According to Diane Kennedy in her 2002 book ADHD Autism connection, teen years are

the saddest and most difficult time

. The teens become more socially isolated. More often than not the aspie faces bullying and rejection. The aspie child is more likely to enter into deep depression from these social issues. This is when the stress level increases and melt downs may occur.
According to the Aspergers comprehensive handbook, the symptoms of an aspie child is linked to the level of Cortisol. Cortisol is a stress hormone. The body produces this hormone in stressful situations. In a non-aspie child, this increase in Cortisol increases blood pressure, blood sugar and signals the body’s need to adapt to certain stressful situations as well as abrupt changes. According to myaspiechild.com the Cortisol acts like an alarm which allows a person to adapt to a new situation. The aspie child doesn’t have this red alert system to help signal and cope with unexpected changes.

So, the answer is yes it is hormone related. The teen boys have an increase in testosterone and aspie children have a low level of Cortisol. So basically, the child feels out of control with no understanding of how to take a step back in order to move through the stressful situation.

All I can say is- one day at a time….

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What a difference a good team makes

Wow, what a difference a great team of teachers makes. My son has three amazing teachers that handle his IEP needs. One teacher works on Language Arts, one teacher works on Math, the other teacher works on communication between teachers, students, and parents. This is the way it should be done. I am very impressed at how well they work together and how they empower my child to advocate for himself and motivate him to work hard. In addition, these team advocate for your child when a situation in the lass arises. SO REFRESHING!!!

I keep pinching myself and ask,”Am I dreaming?” Maybe some schools Special Ed departments need to take notes and make some changes to their own departments.

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Nolan’s First Three weeks of High School

Starting high school can be terrifying for anyone. Now add an Aspergers teen with anxiety to the mix and terrified doesn’t begin to address the fears.

Nolan just finished his third week at his new high school. He is really enjoying it. The RSP teacher provides Nolan with support and sets his expectations high. Nolan has risen to the challenge. Nolan is remembering to fill in the agenda book and remembering to get it signed by his teachers each period. In addition, Nolan is learning to communicate directly with his teachers via email and in person. He really doesn’t want us, his parents, to interfere. So, the deal was if Nolan took care of all his issues himself, then we wouldn’t interfere.

Even though we have had a great three weeks, we had 2 hiccups. The first issue was that Nolan made a joke in class. The student told the teacher. The teacher emailed me and the RSP teacher. I spoke with Nolan about it. I replied to all parties and told them Nolan will explain that what he said wash joke. The RSP teacher replied,”Nolan is a great kid. It is had in a new school environment. He is doing very well with everything.”. My jaw dropped. I realized at that moment, I had been holding my breath. Why? Usually I get the email, Nolan isn’t allowed to joke like that. Next time he will be suspended or in detention.
The other issue was the lunch line. I had placed money in Nolan’s menu pay plus account. It was the end of the week, I went on line to add more money when I realized the account still had all the money I deposited on the first day. I thought that was strange!!!!! Everyday, I would ask Nolan to tell three good things about his day. One of the things he would tell me was about lunch. He described this yummy roasted chicken he had one day. I thought it was bizarre!!!! So, I emailed the cafeteria worker at the school. She said the pin number was never used but I did have the correct information for Nolan. At the end of the day, I picked up Nolan. I asked him about his day. I asked him about lunch. I told him about the pin number not being used. He finally came clean. He wasn’t eating lunch because the line was too long. He didn’t want to wait in line and he didn’t want to tell me because I would worry. I explained the importance of the body needing to refuel during the day so he would be ready for the rest of his classes.
So, for all the people who don’t understand why we parents need to put our spectrum kids to the front of the line, this is an excellent example.
Well, I am back to packing lunches now in order to ensure that he will eat something.

Nolan loves his high school. He started choir on Thursday, went to his first football game and is learning to make friends. So far he is very happy!!!!

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Do’s and Don’ts for Back to School

Today I read an article on the Back to School Do’s and Don’ts written by By Jerry Bubrick,PhD. He is the Senior Director, Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center; Director, Intensive Pediatric Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorders Program.

Here are some of his suggestions from the article.

Get back into a routine. Change your child’s bedtime from 11 pm to 9 pm. Start waking up your child at school hours. Once they are awake, have your child complete the normal school routine: shower, dress, and eat breakfast. At night, the author suggests limit screen time.  All screens should be off one hour before bed time. In addition, Dr. Bubrick states parents should Shop for school supplies earlier rather than later.

The most important part of the day is to make sure your child fuels their body. Dr. Bubrick says we should be more aware of meals. Why is this important? Dr. Bubrick gave an excellent example. If your child ate at 1pm and doesn’t get home until 5pm, then he/she maybe ravenous and unable to focus on homework. In order to focus, your child will need a healthy snack and then after about an hour your child will be better able to focus on homework.

When asking about your child’s day, Instead of asking “Did you make any friends?” (this may cause embarrassment to your child), Ask “How was your day?” Or

“Tell me three things you liked about today”- I like this last comment. it allows for more conversation to happen. In the question, “How was your day?”, if your child is like mine, you will get the answer, “Fine” then the child will walk away. When you ask for three good things, there are always leading comments to make after you listen first to what your child has to say. You could follow with, “What made this good for you?”

Dr. Jerry Bubrick suggests doing a trial run in order to get off to the right start.

He feels, especially for the child who is very anxious, take a drive by the school, walk into the building and allow the child to become acquainted with the smells and sounds. In addition, map out the classes and know where the locker is located.

As a parent, he suggests not to be afraid of set backs.

He feels parents and the child need to “Temper your expectations.” The expectation of the first days being stellar is not realistic. It is important to let kids ease into it and have ups and downs.Remember as a parent, every two steps forward there is one step back.

As parents, it is important to help kids manage their commitments.

Usually the first week of work is slow. So it is easy to take on new commitments.However, Dr. Bubrick suggests to wait until mid October before signing up for new activities. This way you have enough time for adjusting the schedules

Furthermore, it is important for the kids to balance their lives so that they are not coming home at 9pm and then starting homework and then off to bed at 11pm.

Dr. Bubrick believes this leads to depression. He feels children over commit themselves with activities. It is our job as their parents to show them how to balance.

One of the most important things to remember is that you are your child’s best advocate. If you see a problem but the school hasn’t contacted you, you contact them.

I tried to properly  link the article.  I had a difficult  time.  If you copy and paste this link, it should take you to the original article.  http://www.childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2011-8-24-back-school-best-results

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Cooking Camp Was a Great Choice

Wow, I love what this cooking camp, Kitchen Kid, has instilled in my son.  In one weeks time, he has been inspired to hop into the kitchen to cook and bake.  Last week he made Vanilla Pudding.  It was so creamy smooth.  He did everything himself accept separate the eggs.  Separating eggs is very tricky.  Here is a picture of his pudding

Nolan’s  First Vanilla Pudding

From there, he began making his own breakfast. The breakfast mostly consisted of scrambled eggs. However, just the other night, his friends slept over and all three boys worked feverishly on dessert. It was a molten chocolate lava cake. It was delicious. Here is their photo.

Chocolate Molten Lava Cake

This cake took many steps. First the boys had to melt the two kinds of chocolate and butter in a water bath. Then, the boys had to crack and beat the eggs and sugar. Then the boys needed to temper the eggs before pouring all the eggs into the butter and chocolate mixture. In addition, the boys had to butter and flour all the ramekins as well as preheat the oven.

It was so much fun to watch the boys put this altogether. Once the cake finished baking we ate it immediately. It tasted amazing. The boys were so proud of themselves. Nico was so excited in the kitchen he couldn’t stop singing in his operatic voice. It was crazy fun. The most important thing is the boys had to stop using electronics for at least 45 minutes during the prep period.

So, it is okay  to gently push your child into making a choice otherwise the child won’t learn what interests him/her.  If my husband and I not made Nolan choose a camp, he would have wanted to sit in his room all day.  This would not have been acceptable to me or his dad.  Yes, summer is for relaxing but it is also for exploring new interests.

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Do you ever feel bullied by the school system? I do.

Well, the IEP came and went.  We just received a copy this week.  Wouldn’t know it, the Special Ed. Dept didn’t put in what they said they would.  They were going to write in specific instructions about how the shadow would interact with Nolan in the classroom setting.  In addition, they were going to write in a fade out plan.   So, when I read the IEP and said that I wasn’t going to sign the IEP until the team made the changes that we discussed.  The Special Ed. Dept. replied, “The IEP is closed, so we can’t make any changes.”  What????  So, I sent a follow-up email that said, “What does closed mean?  and can’t we do an addendum ?”  Their response was, “No, we can’t do an addendum and you will just have to sign that you disagree and go to due process.”

The school is just ramming this choice down our throats.  We have had no say what so ever.  What is really disheartening is that the schools don’t care.  They need to churn out these IEP’s and get them done as fast as they can.  In fact they are moving so fast that my son’s school site forgets to proof read these IEP’s because they are full of misspelled words.   When I mentioned that this needed to be edited and I needed a clean copy they denied that request as well.

You should always be given a clean copy (error free) of your IEP.  However, it would be too professional for public schools to abide by this standard.  Far be it from any of the staff members to proof read their work.

Let’s just say I am happy to be done with this school.  I hope the high school will be much more positive.

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So Are You All Wondering How The IEP Meeting Went?

Let’s just say some people need people skills. Here is a little bit of what happened.

First off, they start the meeting with “We are in a time crunch and have to finish in less than an hour due to the fact she has to teach a class.”  Boy we feel so warm and welcomed.  Let me just say, the school psych is fabulous.  She really took time to get to know Nolan.  The connection the two made is genuine.  She had really wonderful things to say about Nolan.  She shared about a recent time when he showed empathy,  as well as situations when a young man keeps pushing Nico’s buttons in group and Nolan is very calm and doesn’t explode.  However the teacher of record is a sweet lady that feels challenged when we, the parents, don’t agree with her choice.  She states that she doesn’t feel appreciated.  My response to that is “I appreciate everything you do for my child.  I may not agree with it.  These two are separate issues and one has nothing to do with the other.”

During the meeting, we came up on the part of the push-in support of the shadow.  This is where my husband and I mentioned our concerns of the current shadow who is becoming overbearing and embarrassing Nolan.  She became enraged and said, “I am not discussing that right now.”  WHAT????  I said, “Why not this is the IEP meeting, we are on the topic of the shadow.”  She just become unglued and yelled at my husband and I.  Her behavior was atrocious.

Her suggestion for high school is for my son to have a shadow “for his safety as well as the safety of others.”  Are you kidding me?  My husband and I vocalized our feelings about this situation and demonstrated how the current situation is not working.  My husband explained to the teacher of record, “We will think about your recommendation and weigh the pros and cons.  This is a delicate situation where we don’t want to stigmatize him as a trouble maker. In addition, Nolan is on his way to becoming a man.  This is a sensitive issue and not one we take lightly.  Furthermore, Nolan is who he is and he has this disability and it isn’t going to go away.  The teachers need to be more understanding when talking to Nolan.”   Right on Mr. D!!!!

It was 2:05 pm and the teacher of record closed her file and left the room.  At that point I told the Special Ed Coordinator that her behavior was extremely unprofessional.  The counselor for the AB3632 even chimed in stating that Ms. Booth needed to communicate to us, the parents, the remedies of the situation between the shadow and Nolan instead of her response of “I took care of it and I am not going to discuss this.”

The positive is that the Special Ed Coordinator is going to change the language of the IEP in the section of the IEP where it describes the duties and interaction of the shadow.  The way a shadow should work is as follows:  A shadow should work with a group of students. With in that group of students is the special ed student the shadow keeps an eye on.  This way none of the non-special ed students know who the shadow is for.  We are having that descriptive language written into the IEP.  In addition, we are asking them to have incentives if Nolan is responsible and takes care of his business, then the shadow will give him more space.

All I have to say, in my school district at my site, we would never yell at a parent during an IEP.  We would listen respectively.   Parents of children with special needs have the right and need to be heard.  The IEP is meant to be a team meeting not a dictatorship.

 

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Sample IEP Accommodations From WorryWise.org

Well we are gearing up for our IEP on Monday. I have been researching different concerns that the school constantly mentions in their daily emails to me. My biggest concern for Nico is to ensure he has appropriate accommodations in his IEP. I stumbled across the website with some sample IEP accommodations for students like Nico, who have a high anxiety level.

Here are some suggestions from this website. There are a few more than I have listed. I have copied the link below for everyone.

Classroom environment

The students must be placed with a teacher that is organized. A structured classroom will reduce anxiety. In addition, the teacher must redirect negative behaviors in a way that is respectful and not punitive.

Seating within classroom

The student should be seated away from more “rambunctious” students. This way the student will be able to focus on the instructor and will be less distracted.

Following directions

Concerns about getting the directions wrong either because of distraction or misunderstanding are common. Signaling the class first when giving directions (flashing lights, clapping hands) and when possible having directions written on the board or elsewhere may assure anxious children that they have understood the directions.

Class participation

Responding to questions in class is stressful for students with anxiety issues. It is important to provide opportunities for these students to respond to questions. One thought is to use a signal letting that student know when his/her turn to answer the next question. Furthermore, asking the student yes or know questions also helps the student participate in a manner they are comfortable. I am not sure if I agree with the yes or no questions. I do agree with letting students know when it’s their turn.

Class presentations

Children with extreme social anxiety may have difficulty with oral reports. Consider having the child present to the teacher alone, or have the child audiotape or videotape the presentation at home.
Answering questions at the board
For children with social anxiety, the combination of getting the answer wrong, and being visible to the whole class may be so overwhelming that they may opt to avoid school altogether. Consider having the child exempt from going up to the board until they are ready to handle that challenge, or, begin to approach that situation by eliminating the risk of being wrong, by simply asking the child to write the date on the board.

Testing conditions

Allowing students extended time on tests will elevate the pressure of test taking.

Sometimes anxious children become distracted when they see other children working on their tests or turning them in, they may inaccurately assume that they don’t know the material as well. In addition, it is important tomhave students test in an alternative Testing environment, In addition, students with anxiety should be allowed to use of word banks, equation sheets, to cue children in order for them not to “blank out” on rote material.

Safe person
These exceptional learners need a “go to person” “a safe haven” when the are feeling so anxious they can’t function. Most times it is the teacher of record or the school psychologist. This person is also the “Cool Down” person when other students are bullying the student.
More over, the student should be allowed to leave class and go to this person at anytime. The should have a pass they wave so the teacher knows the student is leaving and where the student is going.

Assemblies/large group activities
Students who have anxiety about getting from one class to another and dislike crowds should be allowed to leave class a few minutes early to avoid a rush of passing students.

Extra time for work

Ever responsible, anxious kids may be very distressed about work they have missed while they were out. Assign a responsible buddy to copy notes and share handouts. If tests are given the day of the child’s return, give them the option to take the test at another time and use the test-time to make up any other missing work.

Homework expectations

If children are spending inordinate amounts of time on homework because of OCD redoing, rechecking, rereading, or simply worrying that the assignment wasn’t done thoroughly enough, the teacher can set a reasonable amount of time for homework and then reduce the homework load to fit into that time frame. Teachers can also provide time estimates for each assignment (this could be helpful to the entire class), so that the anxious child can attempt to stay within 10% of the estimated time. Eliminate repetition by having the child do every other math question, reduce reading and writing assignments, consider books on tape if a child is unable to read without repetition, for a child with writing difficulties, consider having a parent, teacher, or another student “scribe” for the child while he or she dictates the answers.

Here is the link

WorryWise