Fingers Crossed
Noah has a job interview this afternoon~ Whoot! Whoot!
Calendaring the day….
Day three of Noah using a calendar to schedule his tasks, he realized he has time for self-care. Where is he at the moment? He is hiking with a friend.
LOVE IT
Trying to help Noah move one moment and day at a time
Noah must feel the weight of the world on his shoulders. Knowing he ended his college years, still attempting to find out what is his purpose moving forward, and now trying to find a job in this economy.
AHHHHH!
Noah continues to find meeting new people challenging. Many people say he is weird or strange. Those people just do not want to take the time to know and appreciate Noah. He still struggles to read the nuances within conversations. He misunderstands many parts of a conversation. This issue chisels away at the little confidence he has in himself.
Noah decided over Christmas to apply for law school and take the LSAT. This was completely his choice, but it is a great fit for his character. When all this COVID-19 hit, Noah did not know what to do with himself. He would retreat to his room, study a bit, play video games, and have major panic attacks about covid, and his future.
Watching this train wreck happen in front of your eyes is heartbreaking. Noah begins a project or activity and begins to be sucked into the activity to the point that he forgets about the other tasks that need to get done. So, in addition to therapy, his dad and I helped him create a daily plan that included chill time for video games. One of the tips we discussed is calendaring. We are helping him set up a calendar each day that includes everything he wants to work on for that day. Now, today is the first day we are implementing this practice. We shall see how well it works. But, when Noah filled out his calendar for today, he realized, he does have time for all the tasks he wants to accomplish.
I would love to hear from anyone else who has an aspie child/teen or young adult.
How are your Aspie children holding up during covid?
I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything. I am sorry. Distance Learning created at lot of work for me. I am not complaining. I learned a lot and helped support my staff during this time.
However, during this covid quarantine, our son, Noah, became unglued. It felt like we moved backwards. I felt like each day started by gauging Noah’s mood. Noah seemed to set the tone. He would scream and shout. He took a dark turn talking about how his life sucks. He can’t find a job. His college graduation and ending of his senior year seemed uneventful. He complained that he could be with his friends, which he finally made some great friends at school. Unfortunately, each day Noah woke up, he filled the air with frustration, screaming, and worry about his mental state. His aura exuded negativity and as he entered the room, you could cut the tension with a knife.
None of the tips and tricks I used seemed to be working. My husband and I have been so concerned about Noah’s mental state. Finally, Noah agreed to go to therapy. That is one positive. However, it is a slow process.
I am just wondering, how others are feeling and some of the steps you have taken to provide support. I would love to hear how you or your children are doing.
Life Moves Too Quickly
Noah is entering his senior year of college. Something new about Noah’s demeanor this summer, he is working toward paying his way on a study abroad trip. He wants to attend a study abroad trip to Paris, his favorite city. We already paid for a few of these trips, he went to the Galapagos and London. Now, we explained to him that he would need to pay or the trip but we would provide the airfare. I thought he would loose it and have a panic attack. He was insanely chill and understood. Noah thanked us for always supporting him. Needless to say, our jaws dropped. What an amazing change over the last year!
To attain his goal, Noah is now working three jobs. We did not ask this of him. These jobs presented themselves and Noah worked them out to fit his schedule. He walks dogs for wag, he works at the grocery story, and this morning he picked up a Saturday morning job at a small pastry place on the westside. I am impressed with his motivation. Kiddos to this kiddo.
In addition, Noah is working diligently to find an internship for fall. He might have found a perfect match for him. He may (fingers crossed) work for a gaming magazine in the fall. Noah had an interview yesterday that sounded like it went well. Noah, just needs to write a mock critique on a game for the company. It was cool to eaves drop. The gentleman on the other end said that Noah “sounded like a cool dude”. I loved that! Those types of comments are what we all want to hear from others. Then, one knows the other person really understands who Noah is as a person.
Just on a side note: Don’t think he doesn’t have his meltdowns anymore, he still does. The difference is that he is able to sit down and talk it through better. Is it maturity that comes with age? I am not sure. However, talking him off the ledge is much easier now than ever before. In my book all of these talks are positive. So proud of my son and the man he is becoming.
Lucky Mom!
I am a lucky mom. I have a son who is growing up to be an incredible young man. Yes, he says and does awkward things at times, but he is learning and growing. I see it more in the last year. Noah thanks us, his parents, for always supporting him, even when he drove us crazy.
This year he realized and understood the importance of asking for help, going for help, and organizing his time. Noah was on academic probation in the beginning of his sophomore year of college. The probation was due to one bad grade in French. It still baffles my family because he speaks French with my husband. It was the grammar that threw him a curve ball and lack of organization when it came time to study. We suggested tutoring, which is provided for free at Whittier College. He said he would go, but never did. He let his pride get in the way of his success. We had many discussions about asking for help. We talked about working in the real world and CEO and CFO’s all need a strong support and help from team members to make a company successful. We would tell him repeatedly, the wisest people in the world are the people who are not afraid to ask for help. Noah and I had this conversation several times over many months.
Once he read the probation letter and we discussed his options, he realized he needed to make a change. For us, his options were to ask for help and work with an academic counselor or go to our local city college. He made the decision to work hard and stay at Whittier. He turned his attitude around. Noah would meet with his academic counselor weekly, he would talk more with his professors, and even stay on campus over the weekend to study.
Now, Noah works for the summer. It is his second summer as a courtesy clerk for Vons. They rehired him this summer. He works long hours cleaning the store, bagging groceries and retrieving carts. He loves Thursdays because that is when he gets paid.
Now that Noah makes his own money, he offers to treat me to lunch or ice cream. During our outings he always says, “I love you mom. You’re the best. Thank you for everything you have done for me.” I am a very lucky mom.
Finding the Right College
High Function Asperger’s will be successful in college. It doesn’t matter if it is a city college, a state college, or a university, there is a college that is the right fit for your child. However, in order to find it, you will need to reach out to parents that have children on the spectrum or children with similar issues.
My luck came when some friends of our from temple began speaking to us about their son. They shared some of the same issues my husband and I went through with Noah. They shared their story about this little college 30 miles from Los Angeles and how this college and it’s staff supported their son.
Noah didn’t want to discuss college. However, on the side, we did research into small colleges that had services for kids like Noah. We bought books such as Colleges that Change Lives and The K & W Guide to Colleges for Students with Learning Disabilities …We marked pages and looked at locations. Once Noah started talking about college, we asked him if he wanted to stay in state or out-of-state. He thought about this and decided he wanted to stay in state because he wanted to be able to one home on weekends. Then we began to search both private and public college in the state that were no more than a 3 hour car ride.
Don’t shrug off those private colleges. Most of them will give scholarships that will compare the cost to a public university. In addition, most private colleges are small, they provide support for all students such as, free tutoring and academic coaching. Furthermore, the professors teach the class and not a teacher’s assistant. Most private classes have less than 20 students in a class. Some classes can be as large as 40 students but at least it is not 500 students in a lecture hall.
Not matter if your child’s choice is public or private, make sure you take the tour. Most colleges offer an overnight experience for the student. The overnight experience consists of sleeping in a dorm with a student volunteer, eating all meals with other students, and attending a few classes. Noah participated in this overnight in two different schools that he wasn’t sure about attending. It really helped him envision himself in the school environment.
When we set up these tours, we also set up appointments at the Disabled Student Services for each school, even in the schools he didn’t attend an overnight. Noah talked to the advisors about support. He was able to discuss where he needs the most help (this took some pre-coaching before the meeting). The schools discussed what they could offer him as accommodations.
Living in a single dorm instead of sharing is an accommodation recommended to us by the Disabled Student Services. We pay for a double room and the Disabled Student Services pays for the difference in price. The school states that students on the spectrum should ease their way into the environment in order to perform better and be more relaxed. By having his/her own private space at the end of each day helps him/her rejuvenate for the next day.
Noah experiences positives and negatives with the concept of having a private dorm room. The positive is that Noah does relax once he is in his own space. It does reduce his anxiety because he doesn’t have to worry about another body in the room. The negative about this concept is that most Aspie’s avoid social settings. So, Noah becomes a hermit and makes excuses as to why he can’t go to a social function like a club event. Or, what drives me crazy is that sometimes he eats alone. We have already prepped Noah for next year. He will have a roommate. Furthermore, we require Noah to participate in one activity per week. Noah has found a group that meets on certain Friday afternoons to practice French and every other week, he participates in the chess club. I hope this continues.
College is possible. It takes time to research and most importantly visit. research on the supports each school provides for all its students and then contact the Disabled Student Services for a meeting. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if there are bumps in the road along the way.
He Made It Through 1st Semester of College
Noah made it! He made it through his first semester in college. This is a huge accomplishment. Noah lives on campus. One of his accommodations is a single room with out any roommates. The Disabled Student Services felt that kids on the spectrum do much better the first year with this accommodation. However, there is a slight draw back to this accommodation, which I will discuss later.
The entire family was nervous about Noah leaving home to attend college. He would have to do is own laundry, clean his room, and organize his own work load with out support from me, his unofficial assistant to help with executive functioning. He did it! There were many hiccups but he pulled through. One hiccup he had was checking his emails.
Noah has a personal email and a school email account. I helped him put both on his phone but he would forget to check them. He often became agitated when checking because he didn’t understand about the two separate systems. Noah missed several emails from a professor who was worried about his performance in the class. Luckily, on a weekly breakfast outing, I asked him if he had been checking emails. He thought about it and realized he should check them. That’s when he found the several emails from his professors. This continues to be an issue but he has set up a system where he checks the emails at least twice a day for both accounts. It’s a work in progress.
Noah had to master planning out study time and homework. He struggled with executive functioning. He would become overwhelmed. He wouldn’t know where to start or how to start his assignments. He is fortunate enough to be at a college that has academic advisors to assist with helping plan out study time. He would meet with the advisor once a week. Every now and then, Noah would call me with an anxious tone. We would have a conversation about going to the Disabled student services and his academic advisor to discuss his issues. My goal was to teach him to reach out and use the school resources and not rely on me as much anymore. It’s not that I didn’t want to help, it’s just that I needed him to help himself with the support at his college. Noah finds it difficult to ask for help. He is like many Aspie kids. This opened the door to a conversation about huge corporations where the CEO and CFO’s need support in order to move the company forward. Moreover, many people need a strong support team in order to have a successful work environment. This is an ongoing conversation but we are making head way.
A few years before Noah left for school, I taught him how to wash his clothes. I stopped washing his laundry. I made him wash his own clothes all by himself. I started this a few years early so that it became the “norm” since he was going to be thrown into an environment that was so new and confusing. Well, it worked! He washes his clothes, sheets, towels, and even folds them and puts them away. Shocking!
Noah survived. He had some bumps in the road, but he overcame them on his own. I am so proud of him. I send him texts every now and then letting him know how proud we are about his hard work. I text him messages that are positive and uplifting reminding him that he can do anything he puts his mind to.
College is scary but finding the right college and empowering your child will help to promote a successful transition.
How Hard is to Hard to Push Your Aspie To be Social?
Noah continues to struggle at school on a social level. He walks around depressed about his old friends that graduated or left the school, but refuses to move forward to reach out via Facebook and make new friends at school. If Noah’s father and I didn’t push Noah, he won’t move forward.
Last week, I sat with him and showed him how to use Facebook to find his friends from last year. I showed him how easy it was to stay connected. But, I feel he really doesn’t get it. Once his friends accepted the friend request, I explained that a good friend asks questions and doesn’t just spew stuff about mangas and anime. No matter how many years he had in social skills group this part just doesn’t seem to connect always.
Yesterday, Noah had a senior swim party. He wasn’t going to go at all! This made my husband and I so sad. It is his senior year; he should go and hang out, even if it is for a short time. So, the day before the event, I drove Noah to school. I had his undivided attention. We usually have the best talks when it is just the two of us. Originally, Noah’s plan was to visit the library, check out some books and movies for the weekend and have lunch. I explained that he should make an appearance at the swim party and he might know some people there. In fact, I told him he might have fun. That’s when he told me he just likes to be alone. That was hard to hear. I told him lots of people like to be alone. I have moments where I just need “Me time.” However, I really want him to understand in the real world, he needs to try and step outside of his comfort zone, even if it just a little bit. Any movement forward is better than none.
Recently, Noah told us about a class trip during Spring Break. He really wants to go. Perfect! It is the bait we needed. We told him that we would only agree to pay for this trip if he works hard in school and begins to be more social by making new friends and attending some events.
I just don’t want him to be alone in the world. This is my biggest fear. Am I pushing too hard?
Trying to Let Go
As a parent of a SENIOR, I am trying to have Noah do more for himself. It is hard for me to watch him stress over minor situations and not help him find a solution. I am the Italian-Jew mom who hovers and helps no matter if he wants it or not.
He is almost 18! So, I am trying to step back and wait for him to ask for help. This transition for both of us is not easy. I know he will benefit in the long run.
aspieteenz- Now Aspie Adulthood 